Set it off like Napalm

All that I know about happiness...

2010-07-25T19:36:00.000-07:00

It's my favorite time of the day... late afternoon right before the sunsets when the sky is yellow. Magic Hour. It seems like everything is magical during this time. I'm sitting in my Burbank apartment watching the green/red/yellow/orange leaves dance in the breeze. I can hear wind chimes and Billie Holiday is playing in the background. It's beautiful outside today the weather is like fall. The trees outside my window look like they hold on to the fall year round. We are about to have some friends over for dinner. The room has the scent of a cookie Yankee Candle burning. I woke up to the meanest, hateful email this morning but I won't let it ruin my day. Life is way to short to not enjoy moments like this. I would like to dance under the stars tonight on the street. I curled my hair tonight and put on makeup.. not really sure why but I just felt like it. I would love to have a hot cup of tea right now... hmm I might go make one. I would really like to have dinner at Kings Palace in Memphis. It's on Beale street. It's one of my fav places to eat and there is a live jazz band usually. I haven't been home in too long. I need a break from this place. Hollywood wears on you. It eats at your soul. I guess that's why people here are soulless.

CH CH CH CH CHerry Bomb

2010-07-25T00:33:00.000-07:00

LUKAS
Jonny
ER

These are the photos I chose for Amp Magazine for Emarosa. Emarosa has been a huge part of my life since right before "Relativity" was released. I guess I should speak more on why I chose these photos.

Lukas: I chose this photo kinda by vote. I realllly like another photo I took of him at The Glasshouse probably back in April of last year. But, Brit and April said they really liked this photo. He looks very intense and focused. I enjoy that. He is amazing on the kit and such a great person. I really enjoy his company.

Jonny: I chose this photo of Jonny because it really encompasses his passion. He puts every ounce of himself into his singing and has a strong stage presence. The boy can sing.

ER: I chose this photo of ER because to me, it really embodies his personality. I mean I really wanted to chose the photo I have of him sticking out his tongue because he is really silly, but I thought ehhhhh it's gonna be in a magazine so maybe not. LOL. Plus his hair isn't poofy in this photo which I knew he would like. LOL.

Yeah all in all, I love every guy in this band. I could only choose 3 photos soooo I chose those. I would love to also mention Will, Jonas and Jordan have some amazing photos too. Next magazine I will have to put them :) But yeah. I am happy to call them friends and hope to work with them in the future.

Just Bored

2009-07-09T16:05:00.000-07:00

I still really want this tattoo. Halsey Fireflies... I will get them oneday. Its so beautiful out and I am at work. Tonight Stacey and I are going to see Joan Baez on the Santa Monica Pier which should be fun although my tummy has been hurting today and I think I have a slight burn from the tanning bed. :( Oh well My own demise. LOL. Mick is back in SLC today and I am so stoked to see him. I miss Mike and Britney and cannot wait to see them again. Things are goin ok in my life and I am trying to revive the person in me that cares for herself. Boys shall be boys but I will not let them run over me any longer. I can't wait to go to Lousiville and see my sister and Trevor and go to Lexington to see ER. That will be fun as shit, then go home and visit and drive back across country... ughhhh 3-4 days in the car BOOOOO. Anyways Im at work and have so much shit to do I just felt like writing for a sec. :)

The Latest Plague

2009-06-09T18:36:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to hard
I can't write when I'm trying to hard.
My best thoughts never get seen by others because then that opens a new wound be have salt poured on.
Words, like salt burn so long and linger and sting everytime you breathe. People don't care to choose thier words wiseley, instead they use prudent force to spew them at you.
I hear jazz in the background. Oh how I love billie holiday and coltrane and many other greats. Soul, they have soul. I have found a lacking of that in California. Not to judge, but it is truthful nothing is soulful out here... It's hard to find anyone that has anything behing the surface. Well, anything worthwhile for digging into. I am one to like deep people, experience, even if they havent had it wisdom from learning about things.
Now Social Distortion is playing... distracting me. BLAH. I wanna go home.

I just needed to vent

2009-05-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

I have no where else to talk how fucking sad is that... I feel like If I write anywhere else it will get noticed and I want it floating in the air but not to harm me. Because it will always come back to harm me. I am so fuckin pist right now... can i have a minute of your fucking time... is that too much to ask.... really im over it for the day it keeps growing older day by day and I keep thrwoing more and more away. I keep wishing things are as good as i wanted but they arent why .. they never are. you know what fuck it... Imma just rought it out.... Im an overanalyzing over sterotypical mess right now and somethings just need to vanish from me. I need attention I need it I crave it. I will not go unnoticed. Now fuck off.

I love him

2009-03-11T15:08:00.001-07:00

He doesn't love me.

Whats new.

<3

Wish

2009-03-06T17:20:00.000-08:00

I was thinking I should start blogs about pictures I take or of my friends and how they make me feel and thier memories. That's what it's all about right? I took this photo off Melrose last umm summer I believe. I was walking to Melrose and it was on a side street and I love these little weeds... you blow them and make a wish ( you know the drill). The little fella was just sittin there by his lonesome and I thought to myself such a pretty little thing on a pretty day in the green grass and he is a lonesome weed. SO I thought I should give aknowledgement to his little pretty blow-y things and make a wish.... as I blew it away all the spores flew areound in a beautiful display to fetch my wish.... just remeber what that wish was.

This is one of my fav photos I have taken of a band. I just really love the lighting and movement of it. It has nice correlation to space. HAHA CRITIQUE. It's kinda sexual. But music is.... Its kinda brutal,passionate,and its kinda religious too. HAHA Well to me anyways. HMMM This was Haste the Day at the Glasshouse in Pomona,CA. I was there to see my friends and Matty Matt Matt's band MCMB and to photograph Norma Jean. I ended up getting some really great shots of Haste the Day though. It was a really good night. Although I ended up with pepper spray in my eyes and throat and was coughing and choking and it was not so good. HAHAH.

I didnt take this obviously ( hahah ) But its Stacey, Tomy, Janelle and Myself drunk and bar hopping in Hollywood last year. It was when Janelle was moving to Universal. We went out to celebrate and mourn her loss at our label. Its just such a fun photo to me. We were all so happy and silly and although it isnt the cutest picture of any of us its just fun. It really captures our state of mind and mood of the night, and the motion of Hollywood at 2 am. HAHA.

Well Those were just random pictures I rummaged through in my files here at work, I need to upload the ones of me and Mick from the Getty and send Burn Halo the pics I took for them. GAHHHH and can Mick come home already. I miss the monkey. Blah well have a glorious weekend, Mine will be filled with the gym everyday, an intense yoga class in the mornin a Primus/Les Claypool show tom night and restin and just havin fun <3 Mick's bday is MONDAY WOOOOOOOOOOOOO gonna be fun times. Hope ur all doin well lovies. OHHHHH I think I am shooting 3 or 4 Warped tour dates and Bamboozle ( both days) WOOOO. Gonna be good times.

Marigold...

2009-03-05T10:30:00.000-08:00

Remeber that Nirvana song? HAHA I don't know why that popped into my head. LOL. Welllll, things have been retardedly disturbing,confusing,amazing and crazy lately. GAH whats new? At least its a stable choas. Hahah. I never write on this effin thing. Cuz I have to deliberatley go to this page..... and then I cant think of anything that I really feel like sayin. I never say the things I really want to anywyas... well sometimes. Well I should work or something of that nature...

The Notso Rich Life

2009-02-03T12:24:00.000-08:00

EHHHHHH I am tired of being broke... lately it's been so effin hard. I keep trying and get closer and closer to being with NO money... I am efffed.

Random Thoughts

2009-01-23T16:19:00.000-08:00

Its sort of like you were written on a piece of paper not yet dry from ink. I touched it and you were imprinted onto me...over time the ink lost color and smeared all around.Eventually through time you could barely see what was left on my washed hands. Eventually you faded away.

I liked the color red as it flowed from my pen onto the paper and I liked the color red as it stained my skin. I liked the color red as it flowed directly into my heart but I hated the color red as it seeped from my veins onto the floor. Sometimes the color red covered my eyes and anger brewed inside yet others the color red covered my heart and I loved you with a fierceness unmatched. Now the color red flows from my wrists onto the white tiled floor and I watch every drop of my love flow from me. Now the color blue drips from my eyes and puddles unto the floor.

Sometimes I wonder if you can ever feel me thinking about you. I dream about you. I wonder what life would be like if I had never met you. What if you had never called me, what if I never came over. What if I had never kissed you. The world would be different. Yet I would be lacking knowledge and pain and love and fear and happiness. All because of you......

Times are strange... I cant decide if I should be happy or scared. I don't want tomorrow. I want today. I want it to stay today cuz I'm scared tomorrow will change things for the worse. Yet although it can change for the better in other ways there are things I dont want to lose. I wish that I could see the future so I can change it incase it is bad. I suppose thats what its all about, living for the day. Being happy for the day. I am happy today... I am scared. I dont want to think.

I'm happy

2009-01-12T14:32:00.000-08:00

Today I have been in the best mood ever. It is sunny and 90 degrees out and beautiful. I am very positive today although I ran into a hateful blog about me. I can only laugh. Its pathetic. Anyways. This year has been magical and will be a great year, I can taste it. I will acomplish so much and get rid of the negativity that surrounds me. I love love love this moment. I am going to see a world premiere screening of the new movie about " The Doors" on the Warner Brothers lot in a little over an hour and that should be good. Excited to hang with my buddy tonight..... chhhyeah

A Note to Self

2008-12-22T16:11:00.000-08:00

Just fucking release your overanalytical mind and don't think.
Stop making people out to be greater than they are.
Do what makes YOU happy, not what you think will make them happy.
Breathe every once in a while, Its good for you.
He doesn't like you, get over it.
You don't really like him, stop lying to yourself. You just crave familiarity and something constant.
MAKE your OWN DECISIONS.
Stop Negotiationg with yourself.
They will let you down, lose hope.
Stop showing how much you care, people are assholes.
He doesnt want you, He just wants what you have to give.
Theres nothing worse than losing your mind.
You have soul, she doesn't.
Stop worrying what will happen, its happening anyways.
Life is harsh, toughen up
Do something that makes you smile, for YOU.
Figure out what it is that makes you smile, that involves NO ONE ELSE.
LEARNNNNNN from all these shitty situations you find yourself in they have to be on repeat for some reason.
Never give up on yourself, no one else is there to pick you up if you fall.
Its just you shana, you live alone, you die alone and you have to learn to be happy alone.

A cup of tea

2008-12-13T19:11:00.000-08:00

A cup of tea always makes me feel better
Maybe its the mentality that I am improving some attribute of my molecular structure or maybe its just the sweet realization that somethings dont have to cost a fortune to be enjoyed
Its so cold out tonight and it reminds me of home. Winter. Haha does california have one of those? I appreciate the weather, its one of the fine things about this place. You can always expect it to be constant
Unlike everything else
Its so quiet without lola barking or having someone around. I am not too fond of the quietness tonight.
My hair is newly colored and cut and styled for a good time
So, I am prolly gonna go to the bar with my friends, although I am not big into bars. Its just a bunch of people I never like who are gettin drunk and hitting on you. There is never anyone there who is remotely cute to me. Not even someone if I was drunk would even be remotely cute hahahaha.
Oh well, good times with my friends is all its about.
Hmmm well anyways I dont have much to say I was just bored for a min but I guess I should go primp ,redo my makeup, and dance around to christmas tunes. :)
Only 11 1/2 days till I go home. Too bad I will be spending christmas eve and christmas morning ALONE and christmas on a plane. I have an hour and a half in dallas xmas day. Wish I could see my best friend in that hour.
Sad times
Well hope the boys are having a good show tonight. Wish I was there.

Haircut

2008-12-12T16:35:00.000-08:00

Its just a haircut, but maybe it's more, a shedding of memories, strands of hair had whisped over lips and cheeks.
Lifeless folicles weighted down under miles of new growth, just chop it off and make it fast
As a thousands strands fall gracelessly to the bare floor a breath of nervousness flows through my lungs
Its as if you are wisping away a time when that hair lay against his body, when those strands grazed his mouth as it touched mine.
They lay disheveled mixed into a mess on the cold barren floor as if it was a glimpse into my soul
I rasie my head and feel lighter, I gaze upon my newly framed face and don't recognize myself for a moment
I shed a million memories and gave room to new growth, healthy new memories that will die and fall onto the floor with more to come
Yes it may be a haircut but sometimes its much more

Under the Sheets

2008-12-11T10:36:00.001-08:00

I miss him so much and I'm not sure why. He treats me like I'm nothing, yet, I just want his skin touching mine. How can you care about someone so much and know so little. Habits,pet peeves,all of this I know nothing of. Yet I remeber a look, a touch, a kiss, a soul and I crave to have it again. Maybe it's not the person I am longer for maybe it is the feeling. I always see the best in people and it crushes me when they don't show that but some other deep dark side that I have grown accustomed to. For now, I will miss him.

Fortune Cookie

2008-12-10T11:04:00.000-08:00

Hahah, It's funny the little saying in fortune cookies sometimes give u hope.Simple words printed on a piece of paper , generic, yet full of something to make you smile. My life this year has been insane and although I feel like me, I don't. It has been an intense year. I can definately say I lost my fucking mind at some points and was totally un-me. ( hahah is that even a correct form of english? LOL ) I have slacked at work, and havent given it my all, I feel like I'm in a rut. I get too bored with things and it doesnt challenge me and I don't try and harder. I don't like that. Its like what's the point. Ya know? Finally tour season is over... which is nice to get a small break. Tonight we have our Christmas Party at the Wiltern, should be fun I suppose. OHHHHH a Promotions job at Reprise just opened... I might apply. Should I ? Shit I dont know. HAHHA

Promotions Representative:
• Manage our business relationships at Radio, Retail, Local Video, and Press.
• Responsible for all aspects of Reprise, including obtaining radio airplay, covering acts on tour
through this market, dealing with retail to see that they have our records in stock and to see if
the consumers are aware of them.
• Required to deal with radio, including their web sites, etc to create plans that help our records
succeed on the air and ultimately sell.
• As a local person, you are the conduit for all things Reprise in your market. Other
relationships would include concert promoters, press, local video and so on.
• Background in marketing helpful and love of music a must.
Job Requirements:
A very good understanding of all aspects of promotion is required, specifically the relationship
between field staff and senior promotion staff, and how that connects to radio programmers.
Travel is a must. An understanding of how all departments within the company work is helpful as
well. A detailed understanding of connecting airplay to marketing and sales is a must.
A minimum of 2 years experience working at a record label.

Hmmmmmm sounds fun. And it is with Reprise.... it was my first choice. Now I rather just do WBR but ya kno sorta the same thing. The travel thing is good, I'll go for it. The Pay has to be good though. hmmm. SO yeah that perked me up a little. I was asked to work some Metallica shows but I don;t know if I can. I have to be there at 3 and I have a job lol, and no more time off. I'd call in or something but I can't. LOL. 2 weeks till I go home. Then I will be out of Hell-A for 12 days. WOOOOOOOOOOOO. Well, I need to get back to work.
<3

And sometimes the stars cease to shine

2008-12-02T11:30:00.001-08:00

I wonder from time to time if I am losing it.
I hold things in for so long. I sat alone and drank my way out of my pain last night. That is the second time in my life I have gotten drunk alone. It was my medicine an escape. I wait and wait for things to build. People never answer me fully when I pose a question, Im sick of being in a position of waiting. SO, basically I am in a state of limbo right now, which I cant deal with. I do not like anyone fucking with my life, without me putting in on it. Basically I had a roomate decide to move after she said she was staying. And now Im in a fucked situation of not knowing whether I am moving or stayin and have 2 weeks. I am like WTF. Right now my life is insane. I just need a friend and it seems the ones I claim arent.

Me

2008-11-29T19:42:00.000-08:00

It seems sometimes you wait for something so long your life feels stagnant,but then,when what you waited for comes along it isnt as impressive as you had hoped and dreamed it would be.
It sometimes feels as if every stretch of mile on the way to somewhere is gutwrenching and the way back heartbreaking. What am I waiting on? What fears do I have that are holding me back? I sit here in this dim lit overpriced apt that I work my ass off to pay for and wonder for what. Why do I try so hard. It seems no one else cares to try. Is this what makes me happy? Im tired of fighting with my mom. Im over it. Why should I try to have a relationship with someone who knows nothing about me and what she does she just insults. I don't get it. I was told Im selfish and a mind fuck. Really? Im so selfish I give everything I have to everyone and offer my heart out. I just really dont even know where to go with that. Then I offer my heart to someone who wanted it then decided I am fuckin nuts and doesnt even care to fuckin talk to me anymore. I only want to be happy. I only want someone real who isnt caught up in all this stupid bullshit. And I keep trying for this person. why? what the fuck goes on in my head to make me think Im not worth more than that. That I should just say fuck you and go on, why do I care so much that they know how amazing they are. Im working 2 jobs busting my ass to make it and goin to more shows when I am not there trying to forward myself yet I play into these stupid games and they fuck with my head and make me crazy. no lie sometimes I wonder how I hold myself togetehr and other times I dont. Im trying so hard on how I look. Its exhausting. I have a killer headache right now cuz I havent had starbucks. Fuck one day without caffine and I die. I miss things being more simple. I talked to my BFF tonight and I miss her. I wish I could be there to help her and make her smile. She makes me smile. And it just seems things get so complicated, even more so here everything is so effin dramatic. Its Hollywood everything is an act. I had a great day today though, I went to Olive Garden and to the mall and to coldstone with Mick and had a great time. He always makes me smile and is probably the coolest guy on the planet. He is me in boy form :) Only a little hotter and more tattoos but still Ill catch up. lol. I should focus on the things that I can smile from. It just seems like it cant be that simple... i want something simple. tomorrow I work the jonas brothers show hahahah good times. Its gonna be nuts. grr. lol. Oh well Ok I am gonna go my head is about to freakin explode brain particles on the screen. <3

1:30 AM

2008-11-29T01:30:00.000-08:00

These streets are too familiar to even pretend I havent been here before

I could drive them with my eyes shut

I stood waiting on your doorstep

I made wishes on the stars

You lay concious with the souless effort to never look behind

Sometimes I wonder if there was intent... intent to butcher my soul

The next time you see me you wont be on your back you wont be be my side, and you wont be in my thoughts anymore.

He set the stage on fire....

2008-11-28T14:21:00.000-08:00

yes he did. <3 So weird the situation since weds night so weird. I'm totally flattered and a bit in awe. God dannng his voice. Anyways, Thanksgiving was great. Hung out with my friends and we had a big dinner and then went and hung with another friend for a while. :) I had a great night. I need to head to Anaheim to the Chain to make things set on fire before he blazes the stage. Oh yeah and DAMMMN the boy who has my heart still...so I didnt go to Anaheim. HAha maybe a good idea maybe not. I def am kicking myself for it haha. I spent the afternoon with my friend who has been goin through a rough time and I am trying to help him every which was possible. Thanksgiving was nice, I went to my friend Staceys and had dinner there. She cooked everything and it was so yummy. I do miss being at home though. Yeah thats about all of this blog.

Night time hits

2008-10-28T12:44:00.000-07:00

Im at work, I just decided I am having my bday parties at Jumbos Clown room on Hollywood BLVD in Hollywood and Bordellos in downtown LA. It will hopefully be fun..so far I invited a few people so we shall see. Im really tired and gettin sick which is lame. Life has been a little weird lately and good and bad. I have made some new friends who I adore and I am just trying to have a good time with that. I have been working my ass off at the shows and have been to a hella insane amount of shows this month. Im actually kinda tired hahah I need to take a break but not until december. I have shows booked everynight almost until then. I am goin to Motley Crue in a couple weeks Psyched about that. Hmmm Chiodos had a good show the other night. Got to hang with a buddy I havent seen in a while on Staurday which was nice and talked to my best friend on the phone last night... ( MAGS :) ) My sister is coming up next week woooooo and monday is my bday so thats cool. Ill be fuckin old . hahah. HMMM Halloween is friday I work the thrice show then I am goin to staceys... I havent gotten a costume yet. LAME. im broke and dont have time really. well I am gonna go for now so sleepy and need to get some work done. Be back soon

FUCK SHIT

2008-10-02T12:44:00.000-07:00

I hate love right now.. I hate liking someone. I want to not feel anything. Everything I do seems to be nuts and Im not fucking nuts... maybe its unsalvagable. I dont know what to do... I cant belive shit I heard last night and I am pissed and hurt. I have only the best intentions and try to make people happy maybe i should stop trying. I dont know i dont even want to fucking think about this. so im hopin this clears my head.

SO apparently I suck at posting on here... lol

2008-10-01T10:21:00.000-07:00

So my life as of lately has been revolved around a few things.

Job: I am trying to get into something more creative or related to the artists more. I am too much of a people person ( hahaha) to be doing contractual shit all day. Working 2 jobs and goin to hella shows networking.

Love: Oh man where do I start on that. lol. I really like a boy who did like me and told me all this stuff to go to the next day to being the complete opposite. He switches back and forth and I never know what the fuck is goin on and he is apparently in love with some other girl and it really bothers me. Maybe I deserve better but you cant help who u like and this one.... is a little bit of perfect when we are on and drives me mad when we arent. I just want to be happy.

Health: I am still on a diet hahaha. Just started hardcore again today... been working out the last 2 nights wooo hooo. :) Just trying to get where I want and be happy with the way I look and feel confident.

Mentality: I am trying to stand up for more of what I want and stop caring so much what other people want from me. I have problems wanting to be the person u are never mad at and am scared to lose people. I always thingk everything is the last time and act accordingly. I am trying to learn to not be so nice and to take my own feelings, wants and needs above other peoples. I am trying to be happier and love me more and clarify what i want in life and not let it be affected or swayed by what someone else wants. I also am trying to not see people with rose colored glasses and for the people they truely are. Its kinda sad though after u have seen someone through the glasses and take them off only to find that they really arent the person you "wanted" them to be and that really they kinda suck. HAHAHAH. But yeah Im working on things.

Those are basically the 4 top things in my life right now...

Have a great day <3

xoxo

Whirlwind of thoughts.....

2008-08-15T16:55:00.000-07:00

Theres so much goin on in my pretty little head. I dont know how to feel about things and I don't really want to think about it. SO why should I? I'm not going to... all it does it makes me sad or angry. SO fuck it. I'm happy thats all that matters.

This weekend is going to be amazing. I am photographing warped tour and if you don't know how much of a dream that is for me then u dont know me. LOL. I have my 2 loves music and photography, obviously music is first but to be able to watch your favorite bands while taking pictures of them. I dont think it gets fucking better. I wish I had better equiptment but oh well fuck it... I will work with what I have and it will still be fantastic.

Other than that Im goin to some bar tonight for a minute and then over to my friends for a pool party, then wakeup, shopping, hangin with the homies, and gettin ready for the show. Hopefully I will get to see my baby boy tomorrow night. He don't get to come to warped anymore and thats a bummer. :( But hes doin what he loves and thats amazing and so will I be. I shall see the sillyhead soon. I get to see alot of friends sunday which is awesome and Dani and Arlene will prolly be there from San Fran which is hella rad.

SO this weekend is gonna be nuts.

<3

Its safe to say YOU dig the backseat....

2008-08-13T15:36:00.000-07:00

Blinded by florescent lights, I'm fully concious of my bland surroundings. So therefore I will escape into a virtual bliss and peep my eyes onto some delicious art.....These are some photogrpahers who make my mind flutter with wonderment and inspiration:

Joel Peter Witkin: This man is one of my favorite photogrpahers...

David LaChapelle: I mean really he is over the top in production and surrealism I fucking love it... hes a man after my eye in photography.

Casey comes home today which is awesome, Chelsea is here on VACAY and is at Riot Squad today, which I wanna go see. Hmmmm. I'm pretty much feeling like it is Fall. Weird but the weather is very fall and I have been thinking about pumpkin lattes and crisp leaves, too bad we dont have the leaves here. I love fall in the south. It is amazing. The smell of burning wood and just the air outside is so nice then. It makes me really happy. I have been so happy this last week. I hope this feeling continues and it scares me it wont. I am never happy like this. It is like a complete happy, not happy because of someone or something, just happy. And I love it. I want to go out and photograph... I have some 120 film I need to use. I think I will tonight. Also I was thinking about doing a woodcut. It may be fun since I am not pressured to do it. I can print it when I come home for xmas. :) It feel like a productive day...

So the Story Starts....

2008-08-10T20:09:00.000-07:00

So seems my buddies have a blogspot and wanted me to create one so here it is... I will make it fancy later. Say it with conviction, show me that with passion and light the stage on FIRE!